What's science done for you lately?

Nobody really knows...

dimlylitmealsforone:

Even if I don’t remember drinking the third bottle of wine on a Friday night I can always tell it happened the next day because I start sobbing uncontrollably during Saturday Kitchen.

Luckily, I have a little pick me up I’d like to share with you. It’s not Valium because my GP won’t give that to me anymore, but it’s still pretty effective.

Now, please forget all the rubbish I was talking about beans the other day. We’re going to have to put that one down to me having ‘an episode’. Sadly, I’ve never met LL Cool J or Sabrina, neither I have been sued by Heinz.

Yet.

I do, however, have a fail safe way of restoring the essential nutrients drained by booze, cigs, and prolonged bouts of crying.

It’s ripped off heavily inspired by a documentary about a DJ I once saw, my version is a little bit more involved so it’s enough for me to claim it as my own.

Just like Nigella does!

It’s a variation on the classic mug of beans, but this one uses Co-Op frankfurters, fancy chipotle sauce, and a heap of grated Cathedral Cheddar.

First, locate a chopping board. Mine are all colour coded for purposes of food hygiene. Red for raw meat, green for veg, white for cat and small bird.

As the other boards are all dirty, and I’m not 100% sure about the ingredients that went into my hotdogs I opt for the white board.

Then I chop the dogs. It’s not like chopping carrots, which is inherently futile because we’re all going to die and life’s too short for all that.

No. You need your weiners (as you Americans are want to call them) roughly chopped so you can fill your mug.

That’s it. Good job!

I’ve used two hot dogs, but if you have a bigger mug you could probably cram in three, maybe even four!

Now, empty your beans all over the mug of cold hotdogs. I used a whole snap pot. Aim to drain your beans if possible, you don’t want too much tomato sauce as the cooking hot dogs will yield their own juices and the mug could end up too liquidy if you’re not careful.

Right. Then the next step is to liberally apply your hot sauce. I was given mine as a present. Apparently it was purchased in a hip little delicatessen in Hackney. Whatever. I like it because it has a wrestler on it and because it’s seriously smokey.

Now, I add a handful of grated cheese. It’s got to be extra mature. I won’t stand for anything else. Mild cheddar is just plastic and if you’re eating plastic you’ve got even bigger issues than I do.

Be careful to wipe off any excess cheese on the rim of your mug.

You don’t want to end up with a cheesy rim. That’s a bad look.

Pop the mug in the microwave for about 90 seconds at whatever the top heat on your microwave is. If your microwave is old and dangerous and sometimes causes blackouts if you stand too close to it, put it in for longer.

Huzzah. The microwave has gone ‘ping’. You can take it out now and enjoy a steaming hot mug of piquant beans and franks.

The handle on the mug makes it a portable snack, you can hold it whilst sitting on your porcelain throne or have it hand while you exchange pleasantries with you neighbour over the fence.

Just kidding. I know you don’t talk to your neighbours.

Anyway, I’m rubbish at naming things.

Can anyone think of a name for my semi-plagiarized snack?

dimlylitmealsforone:

"Look, I don’t care how cheap supermarket pizza is nowadays I still can’t afford it.
I think you’ll find my version made from sliced white, ketchup, budget cheese, and a few Fridge Raiders purloined from my house-mate makes a perfectly acceptable substitute.  
No, I haven’t showered this week. Showers are an incredible waste of money and water. I had a sand bath at the playground a few days ago.
I don’t think I’m depressed. 
Honestly.”

dimlylitmealsforone:

"Look, I don’t care how cheap supermarket pizza is nowadays I still can’t afford it.

I think you’ll find my version made from sliced white, ketchup, budget cheese, and a few Fridge Raiders purloined from my house-mate makes a perfectly acceptable substitute.  

No, I haven’t showered this week. Showers are an incredible waste of money and water. I had a sand bath at the playground a few days ago.

I don’t think I’m depressed. 

Honestly.”

dimlylitmealsforone:

Your screenplay about Bruce Willis falling in love with two of his own clones isn’t going to write itself.
You need fuel to power the creative rocketship that is your brain.
Ramen, fried egg, and plain white bun.
Just the right balance of carbohydrates and protein to give you the energy to write that emotional flashback sequence where Bruce A tenderly caresses Bruce B’s shiny bald head whilst Bruce C takes artistic polaroids of the identical lovers entwined on a big brass bed.
It’ll soon be finished; ready to be copied, bound, and sent in duplicate to the many residences of the star of Hudson Hawk.

dimlylitmealsforone:

Your screenplay about Bruce Willis falling in love with two of his own clones isn’t going to write itself.

You need fuel to power the creative rocketship that is your brain.

Ramen, fried egg, and plain white bun.

Just the right balance of carbohydrates and protein to give you the energy to write that emotional flashback sequence where Bruce A tenderly caresses Bruce B’s shiny bald head whilst Bruce C takes artistic polaroids of the identical lovers entwined on a big brass bed.

It’ll soon be finished; ready to be copied, bound, and sent in duplicate to the many residences of the star of Hudson Hawk.

guitarbains:

yes adventure time. explain colonialism and racial imperialism to children and high niggas.

(Source: sandandglass, via jbau)